Talk is cheap. It costs nothing to speak, but the impact of words is often lasting and far reaching. If your words don’t match your actions, then they could have even greater ripple effects. When we search for answers to organizational issues, explanations as to why things happen and what our fate will be, we hang onto words as if they are the last slice of bread we will ever eat.
You must have heard:
• “Our people come first!”
• “We are seeking to meet the challenges of the marketplace”
• “We are in a competitive landscape”
Blah, blah, blah. That’s what this kind of talk sounds like to everyone. These clichés often waste key opportunities for meaningful communication. If you don’t seize these pivotal moments to have tough conversations, be honest, transparent and stop spinning and positioning, then your words will indeed have impact – but probably not the impact you intended.
Clients tell me when they hear words that sound like double talk they know that the speaker is either hiding something or what they are saying is untrue. Even worse is when it’s apparent that someone wants to avoid having a tough conversation and all his or her actions and body language speak exactly the opposite of what he or she is attempting to convey.
Before you speak in front of thousands, you need to learn the skills for having tough conversations one on one. If you can’t communicate to one then there’s no way you’ll be able to reinforce the message delivered to thousands. Luckily, most of us don’t manage thousands, we manage a few folks or even none. So how do you have those tough conversations?
Before you start the process of having a difficult conversation, you must evaluate:
1. Is it worth saying anything at all?
2. Is there another way to resolve this?
3. Are there other people that need to be involved?
4. Am I trying to change someone else or do I really need to shift something in myself?
For tough conversations, I have developed a step-by-step formula called the Tough Conversations B.D.A. (Before, During and After) Process. Most of my formulas are pretty simple, however the execution of them can take a lot of time, dedication and diligence. This blog will cover the “Before” process. Subsequent blogs will review the “During” and “After” processes. Here we go…
Before:
Take time to prepare for the difficult conversation. It enables you to see both sides of the issue, take full responsibility and move you to feeling empowered and secure before you have the actual conversation. Avoid the impulse to blurt out words, which can end up hurting everyone.
1. Know whom you are speaking to before you do – analyze their behaviors and values and create a plan of how to speak from their position and not yours. Golden rule: speak from your shoes, results not so great; from the other person’s shoes, stellar results
2. Feelings aren’t facts, so separate them – most of us lead with our feelings instead of examining the actual course of events. Do not ignore how you feel, however be careful to look at what’s true and what’s not. For example, maybe George said something that hurt your feelings but had no impact on the company, the department or anyone else
3. Envision the end result – envision your relationship in the future, complete with understanding, listening and learning
4. Evaluate contribution – if you must engage in a tough conversation with someone then realize that you too have helped create this difficult situation. Looking at your part allows space for both of you to take responsibility. One way to do this is:
o Consider the situation and feel the other person’s pain completely
o Think of how it could have had a better and more productive outcome
o Make a commitment for how and what you will take responsibility for
5. Journal – a great way to understand how you are feeling about the conversation and to get real about what you need
6. Stop and ask yourself the following questions:
o Feeling - What am I Feeling?
o Truth - What is the Truth?
o Learning - What am I meant to Learn?
o Responsibility – What Responsibility can I take?
o Action – What proactive Action can I take?
Tough conversations are “tough” for one reason – they challenge people. Your mastery of them will only help you to be a better leader – one who is much more effective at getting things done and building relationships. After all, isn’t this what it’s all about? People-centric leadership!
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